Dig Deeper!

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Deeper, must go deeper!

I realised that although my previous post was long, I’m not sure I investigated deep enough into myself with regards to having self doubts about the path I choose to follow… the one that I think to be true and authentic to my soul.

I think I motivated myself out of going too deep into the uncomfortable thoughts. The benefit however, was the identifications of my motivations of how and why I have this dream to be an actress!

I always believed that acting was my calling, given to me as a gift from God, as no one else in my family are remotely creative or artistic. What scares me is the understanding now that it could be an obsession and escapism rather than ‘calling.’ It could still very much be part of my path of self discovery as it has given me the permission, understanding and language to gauge how I feel about things, if I am willing to shut-up, be still and listen to what I am feeling!

I think underneath all of this is, the sadness that I am of a certain age and have yet to seem to figure out my life, I have nothing to show for the years I have been on this planet and the things I have experience in this life. Nothing truly manifested in the real world that I can be proud of, or even just simply call my own and have some feeling of independence, self-worth and feeling safe… as safe as we could feel in this fragile world!

The other side of going after what you want and believing that you can get it is dealing with the flip side of the coin of what happens if I put in all this effort, time, made the sacrifices and took on the challenges thrown at me for following this path and then I end up with nothing at the end of it! Would I have wasted my life or would I look back and go… at least I went after the thing I wanted… I gave it a go!

The daunting thing is that if I’m not meant to be an actress, I do not know what I could do! I know I could NEVER go back to working in an office; I have no other skills in the creative world other than acting… so what… do a minimally paid job where I just check in and out of work where I have no say in how things, people and situations around me are handled or cared for. Have no passion for my job.

There is something about being true to how I’m feeling that resonates with me as well as something I put a great deal of importance on. Acting, music, dance, painting, writing and all creative artistic work has an energy that flows from your soul that I don’t think you find anywhere else and that is something I love; the expression of that! That I DO know for sure! So maybe, acting is my calling and all I am going through is the challenges that come from it!

What if I don’t ever make enough money to have my own home, I don’t think I would be happy at the end of that story either! I understand that there is always a gamble, a risk that has to be taken in these situations and then coupled with the belief that this is worth it! But, it is something I have been thinking about more recently and it scares and causes a lot of anxiousness within me. … Maybe more meditation would help!

To be honest, I used to meditate twice a day, first thing in the morning and last thing at night but, I recently have not been doing it. I became even more distressed, jaded and pessimistic about life and that things for me are never going to change. I also believe myself to be angry at God, not really trusting this omnipotent power or myself. I’m disappointed!!! I literally just realised that that is exactly what I am feeling and why I have been avoiding any meditation recently.

I am losing my faith and that scares me as, if God is not true and all we have are us how lonely, frightening and sad it feels.

So what do I do from here? I know the idea of not acting again makes me feel really miserable. So what… I keep pushing forward? Keep perusing it! It doesn’t’ change anything, it just means I can’t go after anything else and honestly, there is nothing else I want to go after in this moment! So I miss out on nothing!

Are these cages and frustration in life real or is it just in my head? Stifling me! I do need to get out of the presence to my father. One of the most dysfunctional and hurtful relationships I have in my life and I shouldn’t have him in my regular environment. Every child just wants to be loved and cherished by their father but in some cases, it was just never going to be and I must deal. My main drive and intention is to get out of this environment, as a means to protect what minimal light I may still have in me!

So what I realised from this post which has been enlightening is, yes, maybe the path I am on is my calling, it may be a difficult road but these are the things that all actors and creative’s go through, these are the challenges we must all face on a daily basis, so understand that, truly comprehend it and accept it! There is no way to be in this industry without having to deal with this. Not going to lie, a break here or there would be truly appreciated!!! So I get refocused! I have understood my thoughts and put them into perspective. It is just the fear creeping through but, it is good to identify understand what is going on inside me and to check in with it and deal with it instead of trying to ignore its presence and push through it, when it comes to emotions that is never the solution. So I have cleared it!

Meditation… oh meditation I know I must get back to you. Once I finish this post that is the first thing I do! You may or may not help me manifest things but, you do help my soul and that is important… there is a whole conflict inside of me with regards to meditation that I can feel when I wrote the sentence but, I will figure that out another time! Tomorrow…. I’m not sure my brain can handle any more analysing!!! Today, I meditated!

So, I sign of with gratitude for a clearer understanding of myself and when I bite the bullet and dig deeper there are no scary monsters within me, just the light of understanding!

“Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.” 

― Elizabeth Gilbert,

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” 

― Horace Walpole

Being true to who we are!

Always

MsIHaveAVoice

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Standing in the light! ~ Gratitude

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Practice makes perfect… or at least happiness!

I wanted to write a follow-up to my ‘Grounded in Success’ blog as I put into practice today everything I wrote about, there were five things that I had put on my ‘Must Do’ List:-

  1. A good night’s rest and a good breakfast.
  2. Meditation
  3. Prayer
  4. Sitting In the emotion
  5. Gratitude

I have completed the first four things on the list and it is fascinating how, by doing those four simple steps, it has hugely benefited me today. I am feeling lighter and more energised! I am still tired, as I think we all are as functioning adults, I’m not sure my life will ever be as smooth running as it once was as a child but, the brain feels as if it is functioning at a reasonable level, I feel inspired and just overall happier today.

Which comes to my final point on my list… gratitude and this is something I wanted to share! They may not be big or exciting but I am grateful for them.

Firstly, my wonderful bed! I am so grateful about how comfortable, safe and snugly you are partnered with my cosy pillows! I had a great night sleep on you and when I am not sleeping on you, I miss you and I appreciate you!

Secondly, the very tasty bacon sandwich I had this morning! I recognise how lucky I am that I am able to go into my fridge, get you and put you on my cooker! Such a simple act is sadly a luxury that not all humans on this planet have and I am grateful that I have the ability to do so… and  oh my, you were so very yummy and warmed what the cold weather chilled inside me! A perfect start to my morning!

Thirdly, It may be cold at the moment but the sun is out today. On a late September day, that is rare and I’m glad to see you! I enjoyed my morning coffee in your light, you shone your beauty on my surroundings. I appreciate the natural beauty that is around me and for that I am truly grateful as you are helping to prolong the dark days that will eventually come… As is nature and the cycle of the seasons!

Fourthly, now this is probably not the correct way of doing this…. My family! You drive me crazy, yes you do! But, I am still very grateful to have you in my life! You/I will not be here forever so I take this moment and appreciate the fact that I have you to drive me crazy, to bring joy, to challenge me and to support me (in your own unique individual ways.) You may not always support me in the way I require it but, underneath it all, I know that you believe that you are trying in your own way.

Fifthly, this blog! Now it is something I have done and paid for by myself, no-one gave me this, I went after it and created it through my own wants but, that does not diminish how grateful I am for having it. Whatever inspired me to make the move to start actually doing it, I am so grateful and appreciative! This is something creative I do just because I enjoy it and it is so refreshing that all that it requires is that I am myself, I write what I want and how I want to! It is not linked to any form of professional or financial gain.

I made the steps a couple of years ago to convert the thing I love into my career. It was my best decision as I am now doing something I am passionate about as my career but, it did change things. Having my income be linked to it somehow changed it so having this blog be what it is, is liberating, freeing, creative, enjoyable and most importantly fun and not riddled with anxiousness! For that I am so very truly grateful to have you in my life!

It is easier to see the positives in one’s life after completing this list and when it is a daily habit, which is once was, my life is better for it, internally and externally!

My hope for this blog is that, if you are someone who is struggling, these are five easy steps to help you gain momentum to a better day, then a better week, month, year and life. We add things as we feel better about life and ourselves such as exercise, healthy eating etc but, for now, this should hopefully help you stand in the light!

“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.” ~ Meistar Eckhart Tolle

Sincerely always,

MsIHaveAVoice

Grounded in Success

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Light vs dark!

A strange understanding came to me recently, I realised that somewhere along the way, between teenage and adulthood, my thoughts or maybe it’s more accurate to say that, my feelings are not as bright and shiny as I believed it to be.

This realisation came to me when I recognised that somehow, I had found my way down an avenue of potential career ‘success/growth/fulfilment’ and yet I could not sit still, my thoughts were finding ways to be anxious, nervousness and sadness which led to thoughts of the eventual failure that it was going to happen… hopes crushed!

This had somehow become my default setting! When I caught myself and tried to visualise it working out exactly as I dreamed, to be happy, hopeful and just take in the moment, I have to be honest, I got fidgety! It felt almost uncomfortable…. I have become comfortable in the uncomfortable (sadness, anxiety, failure, defeat.)

Worse still, this has somehow become my norm that I seem to make clearer and sensible decisions in that space! I am more humble, kinder, grounded, and it seems that it is linked somehow to my drive, creativity and my passion to express.

When I am in a healthy situation whereby I have the ability to freely express myself, I seem to struggle to function in that space!

Take away the sadness, the darkness and place me in the pathway of fulfilment and light and my drive becomes paralysed and I find myself reacting with almost an entitled mindset. It is as if the decisions and reactions are being made by a completely different person!

The idea of succeeding almost goes to my head because of my constant belief and wallowing in “failure.”

The decisions being made in this state rarely has a positive outcome, and I realised that I may be self-sabotaging myself so that I eventually get back to manifesting failure in my life which stems from my feelings about myself!… Money is bad and the root of all evil, I am not a good person, I am useless… I am unworthy!

I wasn’t always like this, I remember a time when I expected growth and ‘success’ from my career, from most of my life decisions but, somewhere along the way I got jaded, exhausted and began to have disbelief. What surprised me was that, I believed that for the past ten years I have been working on this; spiritually, artistically, psychologically. To realise that I have been deceiving myself, that I may be saying one thing to myself but, how I actually feel about things are a completely different scenario.

Now I am aware, that I have had a tough couple of month by anyone standards which may the cause of the increased dark and twistyness but it is also something I am glad to be aware of so that I can deal with it!

So the next inevitable question is… “How do we stay grounded and rooted when we are on a path that excites us, to continue the growth and to stay humble and essentially keep acting via your moral beliefs.”

I know Oprah has always suggested a gratitude book whereby every day you write five things we are grateful for! No. 1 Must Do!

When I get exited, I get completely engrossed in a project, focusing hours at a time into the night and the meditation and visualisation that kept me moving forward during the times of struggle seems to go out the window and becomes nonexistent. No. 2 Must Do!

The simple act of eating regularly and having a good couple of hours sleep. No 3 Must Do!

The “acting world” suggests to simply sit in the emotion, do nothing and try and recognise what it might be triggering up… what emotions is it bringing up? Recognising always helps in changing the pattern! Must Do No.4

For me, the simple act of praying and asking for help is my Must Do No 5.

With the constant stimulation of work, people, music and tv (Netflix etc) I sometimes forget that I have to ask myself “how am I actually feeling,” not just ‘what am I thinking’ because, all those stimulation’s essentially overrides the voice in my head… never giving it space to reflect, to feel and to enlighten! And to me, that is the only voice that should I listen to, to guide me. So, it’s about reconnecting with that stillness within me because somehow, through neglect or choice, I have broken the connection!

Always,

MsIHaveAVoice