Dig Deeper!

iceberg

Deeper, must go deeper!

I realised that although my previous post was long, I’m not sure I investigated deep enough into myself with regards to having self doubts about the path I choose to follow… the one that I think to be true and authentic to my soul.

I think I motivated myself out of going too deep into the uncomfortable thoughts. The benefit however, was the identifications of my motivations of how and why I have this dream to be an actress!

I always believed that acting was my calling, given to me as a gift from God, as no one else in my family are remotely creative or artistic. What scares me is the understanding now that it could be an obsession and escapism rather than ‘calling.’ It could still very much be part of my path of self discovery as it has given me the permission, understanding and language to gauge how I feel about things, if I am willing to shut-up, be still and listen to what I am feeling!

I think underneath all of this is, the sadness that I am of a certain age and have yet to seem to figure out my life, I have nothing to show for the years I have been on this planet and the things I have experience in this life. Nothing truly manifested in the real world that I can be proud of, or even just simply call my own and have some feeling of independence, self-worth and feeling safe… as safe as we could feel in this fragile world!

The other side of going after what you want and believing that you can get it is dealing with the flip side of the coin of what happens if I put in all this effort, time, made the sacrifices and took on the challenges thrown at me for following this path and then I end up with nothing at the end of it! Would I have wasted my life or would I look back and go… at least I went after the thing I wanted… I gave it a go!

The daunting thing is that if I’m not meant to be an actress, I do not know what I could do! I know I could NEVER go back to working in an office; I have no other skills in the creative world other than acting… so what… do a minimally paid job where I just check in and out of work where I have no say in how things, people and situations around me are handled or cared for. Have no passion for my job.

There is something about being true to how I’m feeling that resonates with me as well as something I put a great deal of importance on. Acting, music, dance, painting, writing and all creative artistic work has an energy that flows from your soul that I don’t think you find anywhere else and that is something I love; the expression of that! That I DO know for sure! So maybe, acting is my calling and all I am going through is the challenges that come from it!

What if I don’t ever make enough money to have my own home, I don’t think I would be happy at the end of that story either! I understand that there is always a gamble, a risk that has to be taken in these situations and then coupled with the belief that this is worth it! But, it is something I have been thinking about more recently and it scares and causes a lot of anxiousness within me. … Maybe more meditation would help!

To be honest, I used to meditate twice a day, first thing in the morning and last thing at night but, I recently have not been doing it. I became even more distressed, jaded and pessimistic about life and that things for me are never going to change. I also believe myself to be angry at God, not really trusting this omnipotent power or myself. I’m disappointed!!! I literally just realised that that is exactly what I am feeling and why I have been avoiding any meditation recently.

I am losing my faith and that scares me as, if God is not true and all we have are us how lonely, frightening and sad it feels.

So what do I do from here? I know the idea of not acting again makes me feel really miserable. So what… I keep pushing forward? Keep perusing it! It doesn’t’ change anything, it just means I can’t go after anything else and honestly, there is nothing else I want to go after in this moment! So I miss out on nothing!

Are these cages and frustration in life real or is it just in my head? Stifling me! I do need to get out of the presence to my father. One of the most dysfunctional and hurtful relationships I have in my life and I shouldn’t have him in my regular environment. Every child just wants to be loved and cherished by their father but in some cases, it was just never going to be and I must deal. My main drive and intention is to get out of this environment, as a means to protect what minimal light I may still have in me!

So what I realised from this post which has been enlightening is, yes, maybe the path I am on is my calling, it may be a difficult road but these are the things that all actors and creative’s go through, these are the challenges we must all face on a daily basis, so understand that, truly comprehend it and accept it! There is no way to be in this industry without having to deal with this. Not going to lie, a break here or there would be truly appreciated!!! So I get refocused! I have understood my thoughts and put them into perspective. It is just the fear creeping through but, it is good to identify understand what is going on inside me and to check in with it and deal with it instead of trying to ignore its presence and push through it, when it comes to emotions that is never the solution. So I have cleared it!

Meditation… oh meditation I know I must get back to you. Once I finish this post that is the first thing I do! You may or may not help me manifest things but, you do help my soul and that is important… there is a whole conflict inside of me with regards to meditation that I can feel when I wrote the sentence but, I will figure that out another time! Tomorrow…. I’m not sure my brain can handle any more analysing!!! Today, I meditated!

So, I sign of with gratitude for a clearer understanding of myself and when I bite the bullet and dig deeper there are no scary monsters within me, just the light of understanding!

“Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.” 

― Elizabeth Gilbert,

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” 

― Horace Walpole

Being true to who we are!

Always

MsIHaveAVoice

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This is my Awakening.

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I sometimes lay awake at night contemplating my life. It feels so foreign to me as if I’m a strange alien looking in on this planet having never really understood or fit into it, no matter what or how much I try!
I believe in God, I really do but honestly, sometimes it feels as if it’s forgotten or ignoring me! Other times the most strangest and often it’s the smallest of things happen which gives me hope that it’s out there looking over me, caring for and about me!
Then I get to moments like this, where I wonder ifs it’s deceiving me, tricking me into believing, or it’s being like all those other people in the world who say they care for me when all want is something from me, they dismiss me with hurtful sentences or just simply ignore my presence when I’m in their company, sharing the same space and air!
Sadly, this is my understanding of what “love” looks like and even though I know there is a healthier more beautiful version out there, this is the version that is always presented to me! I have tried so hard to change the pattern; positive thoughts, change of lifestyle, mantras etc but it is so very hard to change the hard-wiring when you live with those who created the belief in the first place!
I pray to God for help and silence ensues! No sign, no word, no indication that there is a better life for me out there! So I lay awake wondering why and wishing I had something to smoke or drink to take it away!!!!
It’s a question that I have been asking for years, since I was a child but, nothing seems to be improving or growing in my life and I sit and wonder if it is worth it!
The simple sentence of “it’s a beautiful day, shame to miss it” plays through my darkest thoughts so I never go too dark but, I do wonder can it and WILL it ever change for the better!
I know people that have depression and anxiety come out the other side and end up making a good and happy life for themselves also, those who didn’t have the easiest or most loving childhood, those who do not have the support they need, those who were bullied, abused and ostracised! Yet, I can’t figure it out! How did they do it? Sometimes I feel so alone in the world, adrift on a boat at sea; wondering, lost and no sign of being saved!
Nothing has been given to me, not the important things in life! I am essentially in the same place as I was 30 years ago and that is depressing, exhausting and confusing! I try my best and yet nothing! What am I to do! I am so full of bullshit! I don’t want to be! I have worked hard and made sacrifices not to be but, in the end, that is exactly what I am!!!
I am worse than the other “bullshit offenders” because I thought I was authentic and truthful but in the end, underneath it all… I am full of bullshit!!!
How to move forward and clear the bullshit?! We just do … we keep waking up each morning and try and do our best, be our best self and KEEP living!
There is still a hope that one day in some way it will all figure its self out and I will get the career that I am working towards, have the house and family I dreamed of and experience love in its best and purest form as I have seen from afar!
This is my awakening! I thought I had it before when I made the decision to go into the Arts but, with the death of my love one coinciding with this blog where I can write out, channel and expose my thoughts, behaviour and beliefs … something else is happening here! Something positive!!! I recognised it as I am writing!!! Like all other life changing experiences I have to get through the painful birth and leave the comfort of the old (womb) to get to the new life! (I do love this analogy, it is accurate way of describing the process of these types of experiences!)
My old self identity is breaking and I subconsciously knew this as I am aware of the topics of my blog post but, I see it clearer now. Everything I write I believe, just not always at that moment in time. It is preparing me, for something better, truer, joyful and fulfilling as that is what takes up my most of my thoughts, my need and what to fulfil my purpose which includes helping others somehow but, also helping myself!! Fill our hearts until our cup runneth over”
Wishing YOU joy and laughter,
Always,
MsIHaveAVoice