“Even though you’re growing up, you should never stop having fun!”
So I’ve doing this sobriety thing for about two years now! The back story is that I’m a girl who worked in Central London for many years and enjoyed all the “benefits” of it, the parties, socialising, clubbing, the bar-hoping.
However, when I began Acting I went to a “Method” drama school which changed my life forever… it had us asking ourselves, “why do we feel the need to do these things all the time?”
When I began the process of analysing what I do and what motivates my actions, I realised that I wasn’t completely happy with my “paying Central London job” and I hadn’t been for a while, I was trying to ignore it as the idea of changing it and changing it to the ‘Arts‘ scared me! Also, I realised that I’d been socialising with essentially the same group of people since my teenage years and we saw each other so regularly that I had become bored of the conversations, bored of the places we were going, bored of the lifestyle and the most shocking part… I was bored of myself but, it was all I knew and it was so wrapped up with my identity of who I was that I didn’t want to think about changing it!
It was the boredom that was leading to my heavy partying as the drinking and extracurricular activities made me feel, even if it was for a short time, excited! It was a quick solution to enjoyment when I had allowed and created a world where I wasn’t particularly interested in anything surrounding me! So, when I made the transition and went into acting; something I was interested and excited about, surrounded by people and conversations I was interested in, I decided to stop the entire “Central London Girl” thing!
Unfortunately, I began looking at everyone who had continued living that life in pity, as if I had discovered some profound secret; if you surround yourself by the things you love, you are naturally excited and there is no need for the chemical stimulation!
However, recently… we’ll actually not that recently; pretty regularly throughout the past two years, I have been wondering if this sobriety is all it’s cracked out to be!
Yes, I do enjoy how my brain functions these days, no more foggy head or tired body, I learn quicker, have a higher patience threshold and well honestly… that’s all I can think (as well as the obvious financial and health reasons!)
I’ve been thinking that there is something to that frivolous way of being, not always taking life SO seriously with only sombre thoughts in my head trying to figure out those profound questions of life… one’s that I’m not so sure I’m any closer to answering!
Is there a way of being both? I’m not going to lie; I’m swaying very much to the need and want of a day where my brain switches of… just one day, actually I’ll trade just a couple of hours at this point! But those annoying questions keeping popping up in my head… Why do I feel this way? Because I feel overwhelmed and sad! So, shouldn’t you just feel it, sit in it and go through it, cleansing it out of your system so it doesn’t weave a poisonous vine in your body and soul! Yes, I should but, I just don’t think I want to!!
That’s the bit that I forgot about, before it became a habit and a numbing experience, debauchery was fun, just plain and simple fun when done in moderation and intermittently. Before, it got out of hand, and yes, I do want to experience that again, I crave it, the simplicity of it!
So many people I admire allow themselves the opportunity to have this freedom, maybe not exactly this circumstance… or maybe in EXACT same circumstance?! Why don’t I allow myself the same liberty? The thought that if I do this then I must be weak!
I also think of the “Central London Girl,” the girl I used to be as bad and I will be again, if I do this… Everyone who ever told me that I was bad or useless or have no faith in me, they were right and I can never really healed from my brokenness!!
And I do, want to be whole! To be all that I can be! I have this version of myself in my head where I am strong, nothing and no one’s negativity gets to me and they have nothing negative to say to me because I AM intelligent, successful, powerful and kind but, by doing debauchery it will take away all the possibility of this, making me stupid, useless, weak and selfish! I guess deep down, these are my self-doubts that I wrestle with, which I am able to keep under control when I don’t do anything “wrong.”
Who ever told me it was wrong… is it really wrong? Why do I believe them? It is true, when it is abused, when there is no control and the debauchery has taken over your life, it can never really end well! However, allowing yourself to relax, something you have earned by doing your hard work and being busy with fulfilling all your responsibility in your life, having a drink or a couple of drinks once in a while is not wrong, it does not make you weak or sad it just makes you human!
Beating myself up for not being perfect is actually more destructive than anything that I really want to do (I don’t want to get completely out of hand, just a bit buzzy.) We are human we are not perfect! I try my best to be good, kind, helpful, present and fair so I am going to give myself permission to go out once in a while and allow myself the freedom of being a little stupid.
‘Wasting time is not always time wasted’, sometime that is actually what your mind and body requires… just keep it in moderation. The minute it becomes regular that it becomes a habit that is when you must re-evaluate what you are doing! So, go out there, take a breath and have some fun!