Sobriety, is it all its cracked up to be?!

smokedrink

“Even though you’re growing up, you should never stop having fun!”

So I’ve doing this sobriety thing for about two years now! The back story is that I’m a girl who worked in Central London for many years and enjoyed all the “benefits” of it, the parties, socialising, clubbing, the bar-hoping.

However, when I began Acting I went to a “Method” drama school which changed my life forever… it had us asking ourselves, “why do we feel the need to do these things all the time?”

When I began the process of analysing what I do and what motivates my actions, I realised that I wasn’t completely happy with my “paying Central London job” and I hadn’t been for a while, I was trying to ignore it as the idea of changing it and changing it to the ‘Arts‘ scared me! Also, I realised that I’d been socialising with essentially the same group of people since my teenage years and we saw each other so regularly that I had become bored of the conversations, bored of the places we were going, bored of the lifestyle and the most shocking part… I was bored of myself but, it was all I knew and it was so wrapped up with my identity of who I was that I didn’t want to think about changing it!

It was the boredom that was leading to my heavy partying as the drinking and extracurricular activities made me feel, even if it was for a short time, excited! It was a quick solution to enjoyment when I had allowed and created a world where I wasn’t particularly interested in anything surrounding me! So, when I made the transition and went into acting; something I was interested and excited about, surrounded by people and conversations I was interested in, I decided to stop the entire “Central London Girl” thing!

Unfortunately, I began looking at everyone who had continued living that life in pity, as if I had discovered some profound secret; if you surround yourself by the things you love, you are naturally excited and there is no need for the chemical stimulation!

However, recently… we’ll actually not that recently; pretty regularly throughout the past two years, I have been wondering if this sobriety is all it’s cracked out to be!

Yes, I do enjoy how my brain functions these days, no more foggy head or tired body, I learn quicker, have a higher patience threshold and well honestly… that’s all I can think (as well as the obvious financial and health reasons!)

I’ve been thinking that there is something to that frivolous way of being, not always taking life SO seriously with only sombre thoughts in my head trying to figure out those profound questions of life… one’s that I’m not so sure I’m any closer to answering!

Is there a way of being both? I’m not going to lie; I’m swaying very much to the need and want of a day where my brain switches of… just one day, actually I’ll trade just a couple of hours at this point! But those annoying questions keeping popping up in my head… Why do I feel this way? Because I feel overwhelmed and sad! So, shouldn’t you just feel it, sit in it and go through it, cleansing it out of your system so it doesn’t weave a poisonous vine in your body and soul! Yes, I should but, I just don’t think I want to!!

That’s the bit that I forgot about, before it became a habit and a numbing experience, debauchery was fun, just plain and simple fun when done in moderation and intermittently. Before, it got out of hand, and yes, I do want to experience that again, I crave it, the simplicity of it!

So many people I admire allow themselves the opportunity to have this freedom, maybe not exactly this circumstance… or maybe in EXACT same circumstance?! Why don’t I allow myself the same liberty? The thought that if I do this then I must be weak!

I also think of the “Central London Girl,” the girl I used to be as bad and I will be again, if I do this… Everyone who ever told me that I was bad or useless or have no faith in me, they were right and I can never really healed from my brokenness!!

And I do, want to be whole! To be all that I can be! I have this version of myself in my head where I am strong, nothing and no one’s negativity gets to me and they have nothing negative to say to me because I AM intelligent, successful, powerful and kind but, by doing debauchery it will take away all the possibility of this, making me stupid, useless, weak and selfish! I guess deep down, these are my self-doubts that I wrestle with, which I am able to keep under control when I don’t do anything “wrong.”

Who ever told me it was wrong… is it really wrong? Why do I believe them? It is true, when it is abused, when there is no control and the debauchery has taken over your life, it can never really end well! However, allowing yourself to relax, something you have earned by doing your hard work and being busy with fulfilling all your responsibility in your life, having a drink or a couple of drinks once in a while is not wrong, it does not make you weak or sad it just makes you human!

Beating myself up for not being perfect is actually more destructive than anything that I really want to do (I don’t want to get completely out of hand, just a bit buzzy.) We are human we are not perfect! I try my best to be good, kind, helpful, present and fair so I am going to give myself permission to go out once in a while and allow myself the freedom of being a little stupid.

‘Wasting time is not always time wasted’, sometime that is actually what your mind and body requires… just keep it in moderation. The minute it becomes regular that it becomes a habit that is when you must re-evaluate what you are doing! So, go out there, take a breath and have some fun!

Always,

MsIHaveAVoice

Advertisements

Standing in the light! ~ Gratitude

standinlight

Practice makes perfect… or at least happiness!

I wanted to write a follow-up to my ‘Grounded in Success’ blog as I put into practice today everything I wrote about, there were five things that I had put on my ‘Must Do’ List:-

  1. A good night’s rest and a good breakfast.
  2. Meditation
  3. Prayer
  4. Sitting In the emotion
  5. Gratitude

I have completed the first four things on the list and it is fascinating how, by doing those four simple steps, it has hugely benefited me today. I am feeling lighter and more energised! I am still tired, as I think we all are as functioning adults, I’m not sure my life will ever be as smooth running as it once was as a child but, the brain feels as if it is functioning at a reasonable level, I feel inspired and just overall happier today.

Which comes to my final point on my list… gratitude and this is something I wanted to share! They may not be big or exciting but I am grateful for them.

Firstly, my wonderful bed! I am so grateful about how comfortable, safe and snugly you are partnered with my cosy pillows! I had a great night sleep on you and when I am not sleeping on you, I miss you and I appreciate you!

Secondly, the very tasty bacon sandwich I had this morning! I recognise how lucky I am that I am able to go into my fridge, get you and put you on my cooker! Such a simple act is sadly a luxury that not all humans on this planet have and I am grateful that I have the ability to do so… and  oh my, you were so very yummy and warmed what the cold weather chilled inside me! A perfect start to my morning!

Thirdly, It may be cold at the moment but the sun is out today. On a late September day, that is rare and I’m glad to see you! I enjoyed my morning coffee in your light, you shone your beauty on my surroundings. I appreciate the natural beauty that is around me and for that I am truly grateful as you are helping to prolong the dark days that will eventually come… As is nature and the cycle of the seasons!

Fourthly, now this is probably not the correct way of doing this…. My family! You drive me crazy, yes you do! But, I am still very grateful to have you in my life! You/I will not be here forever so I take this moment and appreciate the fact that I have you to drive me crazy, to bring joy, to challenge me and to support me (in your own unique individual ways.) You may not always support me in the way I require it but, underneath it all, I know that you believe that you are trying in your own way.

Fifthly, this blog! Now it is something I have done and paid for by myself, no-one gave me this, I went after it and created it through my own wants but, that does not diminish how grateful I am for having it. Whatever inspired me to make the move to start actually doing it, I am so grateful and appreciative! This is something creative I do just because I enjoy it and it is so refreshing that all that it requires is that I am myself, I write what I want and how I want to! It is not linked to any form of professional or financial gain.

I made the steps a couple of years ago to convert the thing I love into my career. It was my best decision as I am now doing something I am passionate about as my career but, it did change things. Having my income be linked to it somehow changed it so having this blog be what it is, is liberating, freeing, creative, enjoyable and most importantly fun and not riddled with anxiousness! For that I am so very truly grateful to have you in my life!

It is easier to see the positives in one’s life after completing this list and when it is a daily habit, which is once was, my life is better for it, internally and externally!

My hope for this blog is that, if you are someone who is struggling, these are five easy steps to help you gain momentum to a better day, then a better week, month, year and life. We add things as we feel better about life and ourselves such as exercise, healthy eating etc but, for now, this should hopefully help you stand in the light!

“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.” ~ Meistar Eckhart Tolle

Sincerely always,

MsIHaveAVoice

Grounded in Success

planet__new_wallpaper__by_hardii-d69ed7e

Light vs dark!

A strange understanding came to me recently, I realised that somewhere along the way, between teenage and adulthood, my thoughts or maybe it’s more accurate to say that, my feelings are not as bright and shiny as I believed it to be.

This realisation came to me when I recognised that somehow, I had found my way down an avenue of potential career ‘success/growth/fulfilment’ and yet I could not sit still, my thoughts were finding ways to be anxious, nervousness and sadness which led to thoughts of the eventual failure that it was going to happen… hopes crushed!

This had somehow become my default setting! When I caught myself and tried to visualise it working out exactly as I dreamed, to be happy, hopeful and just take in the moment, I have to be honest, I got fidgety! It felt almost uncomfortable…. I have become comfortable in the uncomfortable (sadness, anxiety, failure, defeat.)

Worse still, this has somehow become my norm that I seem to make clearer and sensible decisions in that space! I am more humble, kinder, grounded, and it seems that it is linked somehow to my drive, creativity and my passion to express.

When I am in a healthy situation whereby I have the ability to freely express myself, I seem to struggle to function in that space!

Take away the sadness, the darkness and place me in the pathway of fulfilment and light and my drive becomes paralysed and I find myself reacting with almost an entitled mindset. It is as if the decisions and reactions are being made by a completely different person!

The idea of succeeding almost goes to my head because of my constant belief and wallowing in “failure.”

The decisions being made in this state rarely has a positive outcome, and I realised that I may be self-sabotaging myself so that I eventually get back to manifesting failure in my life which stems from my feelings about myself!… Money is bad and the root of all evil, I am not a good person, I am useless… I am unworthy!

I wasn’t always like this, I remember a time when I expected growth and ‘success’ from my career, from most of my life decisions but, somewhere along the way I got jaded, exhausted and began to have disbelief. What surprised me was that, I believed that for the past ten years I have been working on this; spiritually, artistically, psychologically. To realise that I have been deceiving myself, that I may be saying one thing to myself but, how I actually feel about things are a completely different scenario.

Now I am aware, that I have had a tough couple of month by anyone standards which may the cause of the increased dark and twistyness but it is also something I am glad to be aware of so that I can deal with it!

So the next inevitable question is… “How do we stay grounded and rooted when we are on a path that excites us, to continue the growth and to stay humble and essentially keep acting via your moral beliefs.”

I know Oprah has always suggested a gratitude book whereby every day you write five things we are grateful for! No. 1 Must Do!

When I get exited, I get completely engrossed in a project, focusing hours at a time into the night and the meditation and visualisation that kept me moving forward during the times of struggle seems to go out the window and becomes nonexistent. No. 2 Must Do!

The simple act of eating regularly and having a good couple of hours sleep. No 3 Must Do!

The “acting world” suggests to simply sit in the emotion, do nothing and try and recognise what it might be triggering up… what emotions is it bringing up? Recognising always helps in changing the pattern! Must Do No.4

For me, the simple act of praying and asking for help is my Must Do No 5.

With the constant stimulation of work, people, music and tv (Netflix etc) I sometimes forget that I have to ask myself “how am I actually feeling,” not just ‘what am I thinking’ because, all those stimulation’s essentially overrides the voice in my head… never giving it space to reflect, to feel and to enlighten! And to me, that is the only voice that should I listen to, to guide me. So, it’s about reconnecting with that stillness within me because somehow, through neglect or choice, I have broken the connection!

Always,

MsIHaveAVoice

Life and Death – Friend or Foe?

3

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.”

Death is such a funny concept! It has been such a strange experience to lose such a close loved one. Who, as you experience the loss, you realise what a large and influencing part of your life they really were!

This changes so much of my core identity now. I took her for granted, always expecting her to be around. The second mother who looks after you! Cares for you! Always! Has now been lost to me and is no longer a part of my life. How do we move forward?

At first, you know you begin to repress the hurt; the brain has no way of comprehending such a major loss, so a weird survival instincts kick in and you function, we organise and somehow survive the loss, “getting through” those first couple of days. You go through a week or two and you believe yourself to be surviving until you sit in your quiet moment and realise that you have not been sleeping, your eating pattern have been non-existent and the lack of care you’ve been treating yourself has basically gone unchecked!

The loss, it still flows through me. But we survive! How??? We must begin with looking after ourselves, it might not reduce the loss but, it might increase the healing! For that’s all I look for, some way to move forward, without this profound feeling of sadness!

My brain refuses to comprehend the understanding that I know I will get to a time where I am almost used to her not being here! What my life would look like with her having not been in it. My life; who I was going to be and the direction it was taking has now completely been changed by this experience!

I am currently going through a major life changing experience in my life; in the eye of the storm hoping at the end of all of this something positive comes out of it… A drive to achieve and experience all life has to offer, for it is too short and fragile and MUST BE lived to the fullest!!!! Go after the things you want, love whomever you want, be whoever you want to be, be you so completely and utterly in the most fullest way!

She continues to teach me and enrich my life even in her death and all I can think in this moment is, how grateful I am to have had her in my life! So my final words of this post will simply be… thank you!

Go out into the world and live life fully,

Sincerely,

MsIHaveAVoice

Inspirational Quotes

Dare2BDifferent

Dare to be yourself!

Sometimes I find that it’s a challenge just to be myself! Everyone seems to have an idea and/or opinion on who I should be and sometimes their voices seem to drown out my own voice in my OWN head… which is slightly distressing as a concept.

So, I created this video which includes some of the best quotes that I have encountered, about embracing who I am as an individual, no matter how strange it may be to others! Just a small reminder when I stray from my path.

I thought it might help others so I have decided to post it on my blog. It is a little personal as the music is something I also created.

I hope it helps!

You are beautiful, I am beautiful, we are beautiful!

Sincerely,

MsIHaveAVoice

 

 

The Journey Begins

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

sgDDtXl

It begins!

For many years I have been debating about creating a blog for many reasons. I was interested in the concept because as I journey through this world, things seem to interest me, confuse me and some topics I just want to discuss or shine a light on.

Recently a life changing event happened whereby one day I woke up and due to this experience, I began to see the world different! I’m not sure if it was my grief or my new found appreciation for life but, I began to have little patience for what I call “the bullshit of life.”

The egos, the pretence, the lack of respect for others, the hate, the fear, the excuses and worst; the justification for the excuses! I wanted to scream out, “Is this what life has become, the god forsaken ‘normal’ which has now become accepted?”

Some of us see through it and are quickly labelled “sensitive,” “over-thinkers,” “naive” and like some strange animal… “artists!” As if we do not see the world for the reality that it is, instead we apparently see it through ‘rose-coloured glasses.’

What confused me was that, I believe that it is them that see things strangely, wanting so badly to believe in the falseness that they have created for themselves. Justifying their choices, explaining why they do not go after the very thing that sparks their souls. Why instead, they succumb to the comatose state of going into a job everyday that they do not enjoy and that brings no light into their soul. The only benefit is the pay cheque they receive at the end of the month so they can go and enjoy their life for the one week holiday they will be booking in a month’s time!

Why have so many chosen this life? I know some may say that they have no choice. But, we always have a choice! They are not always easy! Yes, we must eat. Yes, we need a roof over our heads, we must look after our family but, do we need the next Apple product? The next designer label clothing? The new bigger TV?

If it is a choice between that and perusing a dream that can one day be your full time job, maybe after some time of grafting, hard work and sacrifice, you may find something that makes you feel fulfilled, passionate and dare I say excited… then I must admit, I do not understand the choices being made!

Please enlighten me!

I hope that I am someone who follows the thing that sets my spirit flying, where I fight to be who I am, to love who I am… rough edges and all! Wanting to learn, wanting to grow, wanting to help and be of service and I will write about my journey and experiences in doing this! It is not an easy journey but, it is fulfilling! And maybe I will also receive some help along the way.

I have yet to decide what form this blog will take! I am at the stage where i am enjoying the freedom and liberation of seeing what may take my interest. But I do know that when I created it, it’s main purpose was so I can discuss… and I am! Open to discussions, especially if your views are different from mine.

Together we may be able to make a difference; to ourselves and to others.

Be kind to yourself and to others.

Sincerely,

MsIHaveAVoice