I sometimes lay awake at night contemplating my life. It feels so foreign to me as if I’m a strange alien looking in on this planet having never really understood or fit into it, no matter what or how much I try!
I believe in God, I really do but honestly, sometimes it feels as if it’s forgotten or ignoring me! Other times the most strangest and often it’s the smallest of things happen which gives me hope that it’s out there looking over me, caring for and about me!
Then I get to moments like this, where I wonder ifs it’s deceiving me, tricking me into believing, or it’s being like all those other people in the world who say they care for me when all want is something from me, they dismiss me with hurtful sentences or just simply ignore my presence when I’m in their company, sharing the same space and air!
Sadly, this is my understanding of what “love” looks like and even though I know there is a healthier more beautiful version out there, this is the version that is always presented to me! I have tried so hard to change the pattern; positive thoughts, change of lifestyle, mantras etc but it is so very hard to change the hard-wiring when you live with those who created the belief in the first place!
I pray to God for help and silence ensues! No sign, no word, no indication that there is a better life for me out there! So I lay awake wondering why and wishing I had something to smoke or drink to take it away!!!!
It’s a question that I have been asking for years, since I was a child but, nothing seems to be improving or growing in my life and I sit and wonder if it is worth it!
The simple sentence of “it’s a beautiful day, shame to miss it” plays through my darkest thoughts so I never go too dark but, I do wonder can it and WILL it ever change for the better!
I know people that have depression and anxiety come out the other side and end up making a good and happy life for themselves also, those who didn’t have the easiest or most loving childhood, those who do not have the support they need, those who were bullied, abused and ostracised! Yet, I can’t figure it out! How did they do it? Sometimes I feel so alone in the world, adrift on a boat at sea; wondering, lost and no sign of being saved!
Nothing has been given to me, not the important things in life! I am essentially in the same place as I was 30 years ago and that is depressing, exhausting and confusing! I try my best and yet nothing! What am I to do! I am so full of bullshit! I don’t want to be! I have worked hard and made sacrifices not to be but, in the end, that is exactly what I am!!!
I am worse than the other “bullshit offenders” because I thought I was authentic and truthful but in the end, underneath it all… I am full of bullshit!!!
How to move forward and clear the bullshit?! We just do … we keep waking up each morning and try and do our best, be our best self and KEEP living!
There is still a hope that one day in some way it will all figure its self out and I will get the career that I am working towards, have the house and family I dreamed of and experience love in its best and purest form as I have seen from afar!
This is my awakening! I thought I had it before when I made the decision to go into the Arts but, with the death of my love one coinciding with this blog where I can write out, channel and expose my thoughts, behaviour and beliefs … something else is happening here! Something positive!!! I recognised it as I am writing!!! Like all other life changing experiences I have to get through the painful birth and leave the comfort of the old (womb) to get to the new life! (I do love this analogy, it is accurate way of describing the process of these types of experiences!)
My old self identity is breaking and I subconsciously knew this as I am aware of the topics of my blog post but, I see it clearer now. Everything I write I believe, just not always at that moment in time. It is preparing me, for something better, truer, joyful and fulfilling as that is what takes up my most of my thoughts, my need and what to fulfil my purpose which includes helping others somehow but, also helping myself!! “Fill our hearts until our cup runneth over”
Wishing YOU joy and laughter,