Light vs dark!
A strange understanding came to me recently, I realised that somewhere along the way, between teenage and adulthood, my thoughts or maybe it’s more accurate to say that, my feelings are not as bright and shiny as I believed it to be.
This realisation came to me when I recognised that somehow, I had found my way down an avenue of potential career ‘success/growth/fulfilment’ and yet I could not sit still, my thoughts were finding ways to be anxious, nervousness and sadness which led to thoughts of the eventual failure that it was going to happen… hopes crushed!
This had somehow become my default setting! When I caught myself and tried to visualise it working out exactly as I dreamed, to be happy, hopeful and just take in the moment, I have to be honest, I got fidgety! It felt almost uncomfortable…. I have become comfortable in the uncomfortable (sadness, anxiety, failure, defeat.)
Worse still, this has somehow become my norm that I seem to make clearer and sensible decisions in that space! I am more humble, kinder, grounded, and it seems that it is linked somehow to my drive, creativity and my passion to express.
When I am in a healthy situation whereby I have the ability to freely express myself, I seem to struggle to function in that space!
Take away the sadness, the darkness and place me in the pathway of fulfilment and light and my drive becomes paralysed and I find myself reacting with almost an entitled mindset. It is as if the decisions and reactions are being made by a completely different person!
The idea of succeeding almost goes to my head because of my constant belief and wallowing in “failure.”
The decisions being made in this state rarely has a positive outcome, and I realised that I may be self-sabotaging myself so that I eventually get back to manifesting failure in my life which stems from my feelings about myself!… Money is bad and the root of all evil, I am not a good person, I am useless… I am unworthy!
I wasn’t always like this, I remember a time when I expected growth and ‘success’ from my career, from most of my life decisions but, somewhere along the way I got jaded, exhausted and began to have disbelief. What surprised me was that, I believed that for the past ten years I have been working on this; spiritually, artistically, psychologically. To realise that I have been deceiving myself, that I may be saying one thing to myself but, how I actually feel about things are a completely different scenario.
Now I am aware, that I have had a tough couple of month by anyone standards which may the cause of the increased dark and twistyness but it is also something I am glad to be aware of so that I can deal with it!
So the next inevitable question is… “How do we stay grounded and rooted when we are on a path that excites us, to continue the growth and to stay humble and essentially keep acting via your moral beliefs.”
I know Oprah has always suggested a gratitude book whereby every day you write five things we are grateful for! No. 1 Must Do!
When I get exited, I get completely engrossed in a project, focusing hours at a time into the night and the meditation and visualisation that kept me moving forward during the times of struggle seems to go out the window and becomes nonexistent. No. 2 Must Do!
The simple act of eating regularly and having a good couple of hours sleep. No 3 Must Do!
The “acting world” suggests to simply sit in the emotion, do nothing and try and recognise what it might be triggering up… what emotions is it bringing up? Recognising always helps in changing the pattern! Must Do No.4
For me, the simple act of praying and asking for help is my Must Do No 5.
With the constant stimulation of work, people, music and tv (Netflix etc) I sometimes forget that I have to ask myself “how am I actually feeling,” not just ‘what am I thinking’ because, all those stimulation’s essentially overrides the voice in my head… never giving it space to reflect, to feel and to enlighten! And to me, that is the only voice that should I listen to, to guide me. So, it’s about reconnecting with that stillness within me because somehow, through neglect or choice, I have broken the connection!